Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa
(We open ''IN SPAAAAACE! Suddenly, an explosion occurs and a spacecraft is seen zooming through the cosmos. Inside are the Nostalgia Critic, Malcolm and Tamara, and it's adorned with Christmas trappings)'' Malcolm: My God! I didn't think you needed to travel to another dimension to prove your love of Christmas. NC: Well, this is said to be the dimension that loves Christmas the most, and I had to let my love of this holiday destroy them all! (smiles a rather crazed smile) Nobody loves Christmas more than me... to death! Tamara: My God, we may have missed one. (On the dashboard, a warning flashes on, reading "INTRUDER DETECTED") NC: The last of the Christmassians! Malcolm: It has to be! Tamara: There's only one way to defeat it. (They get up from their seats. Malcolm and Tamara wield enormous guns and NC holds a huge sword whose handle resembles a Christmas tree) NC: (grimly) Let's deck some ass. (Next scene: they are in the bowels of a spaceship. Suddenly, they gasp as they look up in shock) Tamara: My God, it's the Christmassian Queen! (They see before them a giant skeleton thing with candy cane horns and a candy cane-looking tail with a huge snowball-looking tip on the end. It growls menacingly) Malcolm: My God, it's doubled in size! (the Christmassian Queen roars) NC: My God... I thought this was gonna be a challenge. (The Christmassian Queen roars again as the trio hold up their weapons to fight! It roars again) Tamara: My God, she's gonna breathe presents on us! (With a roar, it does indeed breathe presents at them – a stream of holiday-themed chainsaws! The trio all dive for cover as the saws descend on them) NC: Yuletide chainsaws! (looks up) Clever girl. (Malcolm and Tamara unleash a barrage of bullets from their guns at the Christmassian Queen, only for it to breathe bullets (gift-wrapped, yet) at them! They hit the two and knock them to the ground) Tamara: She's spitting gift-wrapped bullets at us! Genius bitch, it's just what I wanted! Malcolm: (noticing the tiny bows on the bullets) How did she manage to get bows so small? (The Christmassian Queen roars) Tamara: Oh, no! She's gonna finish us off with a holiday flamethrower! Malcolm: Just like on my Amazon wishlist. Tamara: Me, too. (The Queen roars again, but NC steps out in front of it, with a grim look on his face) NC: Baby, (raises his sword) you've messed with the wrong holiday. (With that, he leaps, spinning, at the Christmassian Queen and manages to slash its body, spurting out blood. He spins around and then leaps in the air, his sword aimed directly at the Queen, blade tip first. Then, while in the air, he dives flat-out at it, his sword poised to deliver the coup de grace!) NC: CHRIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!! (He jumps down the Christmassian Queen's throat. Inside its body, he delivers multiple sword slashes that all spurt blood out of it. It lets out one more roar and its tail makes a rattling sound, before falling down and breathing its last. Malcolm and Tamara watch in concern, thinking that their colleague is dead. But suddenly, with a yell, NC emerges with the slash of his sword, holding his sword in one hand and a bone in the other. A chunk of organ is wrapped around his neck. Still yelling, NC repeatedly slashes at the remains of the Christmassian Queen's body, and Malcolm and Tamara join in by unloading bullets from their guns into its body. In doing so, they are covered in blood. Next scene: they are back in their own spacecraft, completely covered in blood. They sit in solemn silence, until NC, whose glasses are missing, finally breaks the silence with a nod of his head and a look of shame) NC: (solemnly) I think we should stop trying to top ourselves every year with the Christmas greetings. (blinks eyes) Getting a little out of hand. Malcolm: Mm-hmm. NC: (blinking eyes repeatedly and looking sad) I think that thing was pregnant. So we get to live with that. (The trio continue in silence a little longer, before we get to the NC 2017 title sequence) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, as many of you know, I've reviewed what I consider the worst Christmas special ever, The Christmas Tree. (Various shots of this special are shown) NC (vo): With its lack of effort, caring, and complete disinterest in everything Christmas, it was by far the worst Christmas special I had ever seen. NC: But the Internet said, "Hold my beer," and apparently found a Christmas special even worse. That is supposed to be Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa. (The title of the special is shown, before going to its clips that show the animation is...horrendous. That is to say, the backgrounds are pretty lame, the characters are looking like the Lego figures and move very sloppily) NC (vo): Getting a reputation as the [[Foodfight!|''Foodfight!]] of Christmas specials, this CD abomination aired once in 2002 and then never aired again. Yeah, ''2002. NC: To give you an idea the show ReBoot came out in 1994 and every week... NC (vo): ...had this quality to it. (The clips from the intro of ''ReBoot ''are shown. Yeah, the animation is far from great, but at least it's the character models are smooth and it has some nice effects. Back to ''Rapsittie Street Kids)'' NC (vo): This is eight years later and aired once! They look more like the ReBoot characters' sex dolls than anything from an evolved art form! NC: But, big deal. Shitty low-budget project made shitty low-budget shit. Well, the voice cast is anything but low-budget. (The pictures of the famous people NC lists are shown) NC (vo): It includes Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill; Princess Ariel, Jodi Benson; Princess Belle, Paige O'Hara; Azula, Grey DeLisle; black Power Ranger, Walter Jones; Mad TV's Debra Wilson, and even Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright, who also has a producing credit on it! A goddamn producing credit! NC: (shifts eyes) Did...did everyone forget this guy accepts a lot of blame? (The name "Alan Smithee" appears in yellow) NC (vo): How did this happen? How did this make it to air? How did they get all these people involved? Well, surely, there must be something that... There must just be something! Anything! God! NC: Am I wrong, or did I have my soul horrendously sucked out of me? (NC's soul casually passes by, walking through NC himself) NC's Soul: Later. NC: Miss you. This is Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa. (We open on the panoramic view of Rosetown Falls to a harp ding) NC (vo): Oh, look! South Park's animation somehow managed to get cheaper. (As the opening credits roll (written in Comic Sans, no less), the whimsical synth music plays out) NC (vo): Yeah, music by... NC: "I'm totally Danny Elfman, everybody! I'm totally Danny Elfman!" NC (vo): Thus, we see one of our main characters walking home. (As we are shown the kid named Rick. E "walking" on the sidewalk, the red blood starts running on the screen) Rick. E (Walter Jones): (rapping) It was the week before Christmas that I'm talkin' / I spent the day shopping with my grandma walkin' NC: Now, don't be alarmed by the red that you're seeing. It's just your eyes bleeding from watching the animation. Fear not, you don't get used to it. (smiles) NC (vo): This render that didn't quite make it to the recycling bin is named Rick. E. He's just dropping some mad hits on his way home from school. Rick. E: (rapping) I've been a good boy through the year, you better know it / You ready, Santa Claus, to start decking the halls with gifts? NC: And, yes, eager viewer I know is dying to ask, he does rap all throughout the entire special. Rick. E: (rapping in different scenes) It's putting the "cold" in the honey. I know she's into money. / I'm a decorating master, no one is faster. / Smithy's small and round, he's closest to the ground. / One, two, three is all I see. / If you wanna know what you can trust, is that Santa believes in us. / I've been told just coming here is forgivin'... NC: Oh, trust me, there's no (finger quotes) "forgiving" in any of this. NC (vo): Hey, look. He leaves no footprints in the snow. NC: Well, that's a detail I'm surprised they left out! NC (vo): After snapping his neck from looking up... (Looking at the falling snowflake, Rick. E raises his head, and the "neck cracking" sound effect is heard) NC (vo): ...he gets the smile of a serial killer, looking at all the toys in the store. (Rick. E gets out his pocket money, and that's just three coins) Rick. E: One, two, three, and no more. NC: Aw. He was looking down at the animation budget. (Beat) Actually, it's higher than I expected. NC (vo): He eventually goes home to look at his teddy bear. His mom gave him this bear 'cause of love, so he'll give this bear 'cause of love. NC: I have no idea what that means, but that is literally the dialogue! (Rick. E is shown at his room looking at his mother's picture and holding his teddy bear) Rick. E: Mama, you gave me this bear 'cause of love. So I'll give this bear 'cause of love. NC: Don't worry, though; the visuals explain it better. (Rick. E's flashback of giving his teddy to another girl named Nicole is, of course, sloppily animated, with the teddy just floating around Nicole. Rick. E sighs dreamily) NC: Well, that cleared everything up! (The Rapsittie St. Elementary is shown. On its sign, there is a motto "Striving for Excelence" (yes, that's how it's spelled)) NC (vo): The next day, he goes to school. A school that misspelled the word "excellence". NC: Isn't that a friggin' metaphor?! You can't spell "excellence", you can't achieve excellence! (One of Donald Trump's Tweets from the previous year with the word "waite" (it's correct now, by the way) slides from the right side. The caption "Side joke?" pops up) NC: Nah, too easy. (The Tweet slides back) NC (vo): Inside the school, I guess...this is going on. (One of the boys named Smithy (who's wearing red scarf) throws a dinosaur figurine on Nicole. She isn't seeing that and talking with two other girls) Nicole (Paige O'Hara): Then Mommy schedules me for my own hair lady. (gets hit) Smithy! Smithy (Eddie Driscoll): Hey, Nicole, duck! I mean, dinosaur! (laughs) (NC just watches) NC: Anyone else getting a feeling this was a student's final project for an intro to 3D animation class? (Beat) ''One that had a great big ''F on it?! Smithy: I thought I'd just give it some extra fluff. I guess the pressure to bug you is just too much for me to resist. NC: (hand on cheek) You know, the animation's so bad, I'm seriously debating whether or not that's supposed to be... NC (vo): ...a scarf or his lips. (Three bullies, Zeke, Todd and Tug, walk into the classroom) Zeke (J. R. Horsting): Come on. Rick. E's gonna decorate the tree. Todd (Nancy Cartwright): (speaking in a non-tough voice) Let's just see what Rick. E the Rhyme Master can do! (snickers) NC: (covering his ears) It's actually impressive how much that voice doesn't match. NC (vo): I think it actually took effort to get that wrong. Maybe the only effort put into any of this. Todd: (keeping Smithy's sandwich away from him) Ah, come on, Smithy! Didn't your mommy teach you to share? NC: I mean...make no mistake, everybody in this special should sound like... Blocky Man (audio, overdubbed over Todd): '''WE ARE NINTENDO. YOU CANNOT BEAT US. '''NC: But that still seemed particularly off. (Rick. E is decorating, or rather throwing decorations onto, the Christmas tree) Rick. E: ''(still rapping)'' I'm a decorating master, no one is faster. Don't you know? I'm a Christmas tree blaster. NC: '''Hmm, those rhymes are pretty revolutionary. However, have you thought about considering... '''NC (vo; as Rick. E, rapping): '''I'm a butt-ugly taint made of Microsoft Paint. Here is shit-covered tampons that'll make your ass faint. '''NC: '''Just rappin' from the heart. '''NC (vo): They go to their homeroom, taught by a malfunctioning Hall of Presidents animatronic. Ms. Parmington (Sarina C. Grant): Now sit down, please. NC: ''(as a student)'' We can't. They don't know how to animate that yet. NC (vo): Oh, I'm not kidding, they never do sit down. Time passes, and they're already standing before recess. It really was too hard to animate them sitting down! NC: (leaning in) Except the creepy... (The camera zooms in on a random grown-up sitting at the back of the room doing nothing. Creepy music starts playing) NC (vo): ...random adult who seems to be sitting there stone cold the whole time. NC: 'He just likes to ''watch. (The bell rings) '''Ms. Parmington: Remember, come in promptly at the bell. Rick. E: (the lip movements not matching his speech) Teacher, don't you worry. Be right back in a hurry. NC: (as Rick. E) Though my lip movements will be awfully blurry. (The kids are shown having fun outside) NC (vo): Oh, I take it back. Sitting down isn't the hardest thing to animate. It's circles. Goddamn circles! The first thing you learn to animate in CGI class!! But look at them! They look like flat cutouts! And even the flat cutouts don't have the shape of a full circle! (Smithy is shown running away from Tug, both having thrown their arms out) Smithy: No one can catch the Smith, man! Tug (Clint Howard): I'm gaining on you, Smithy! NC: (as Tug) Right after we're done reenacting... NC (vo): ...Rose on the bow of the Titanic! NC: (throws arms out, smiling) We're so alive! Zeke: (walking across the frozen pond) Whoa, this reeks. I want waves, not ice. It super-stinks on ice. NC: That sad moment you realize they could have made a superior movie by just... NC (vo): ...playing The Sims and talking over it. NC: I think (cover of...) the Deluxe Edition will come out about now. (Back in the classroom, Todd steals Smithy's sandwich) NC (vo): But one of the boys named Smithy is really attached to his sandwich! NC: (nodding and grinning) That equals development now! (Todd sucks on Smithy's sandwich, making joyful sounds) Smithy: NOOOOOOO! (He leaps on Todd and sits on him. Sandwich is sticking out of Smithy's mouth, and he proudly mumbles) Todd: I said, get off! NC: (massages his forehead) Okay, if you focus any longer on that sandwich, we're gonna start making phallic connections. (Pause) You already are... NC (vo): ...aren't you? (The scene of Todd sucking on a sandwich is shown again) NC: GOD, this special's bad! Female Student: (of Zeke) Ms. Parmington, get him away from me! Zeke: (mockingly) "Get him away from me!" Ms. Parmington: '''That means he likes you. '''NC (vo): Oh, that's the same school Al Franken went to. (The school's black-skinned principal comes in) Principal (Robert Machray): '''This is such a great time of year, Ms. Parmington. '''Lenee (Jodi Benson): Hello, sir. I hope you had a really, really happy holiday. Principal: Why, thank you, Lenee. NC (vo; as the principal, in a robotic tone): Morgan Freeman-Bot destroy you all with laser arms. Oh, I mean, uh, happy holidays. Ms. Parmington: I know that my family is just going to spoil me rotten to the core. Principal: Well, I, uh... Ms. Parmington: As it's been another wonderful year in the Parmington household. Ha-ha! Principal: (slowly backing away, leaving the room) Yes, ma'am. Students: (offscreen) Merry Christmas! NC: (swinging head left and right, singing to the tune of "Money for Nothing" by ''Dire Straits)'' I want my, I want my, I want my (takes out a...) M60! (And he shoots from it wildly) Ms. Parmington: Okay, children, I wish you all a wonderful holiday. Now, please clean up your area before you leave. NC: (as Ms. Parmington) And don't forget to blink. Please try to blink at least once over the holidays. (The classroom is empty, except for some white papers flying around) Ms. Parmington: Yeah, yeah, yeah... NC: Ah, geez. NC (vo): The maxi pads have taken flight again. NC: Women problems. Am I right, ladies? Ms. Parmington: I guess those skills come later. (smiles) NC: Ah, now it's time to play what pops up very frequently in this special... NC (vo): Drunk Face or Kill Face? (Tamara and Malcolm rush in to NC and start chanting excitedly at the same time while NC thinks. Tamara says it's a drunk face, while Malcolm states it's a kill face, and the shot of Ms. Parmington smiling is shown two times) NC: I'm gonna say...drunk face. (CORRECT!) ''Yeah! I got it right! '''Tamara:' Speaking of which... (brings out some booze) ''Why didn't we start it on Earth? '''NC:' (takes out his whiskey flask) Yeah, that's a really valid point. (Malcolm, in turn, takes out his bottle of soda, and all three start drinking) NC (vo; sighs): So, 13 minutes into this 40-minute special, and you notice something missing? NC: It starts with "P", and it's plot. There is no plot. NC (vo): Nothing seems to be going on, aside from us trying to figure out if this was a troll movie or a mob front. NC: I'd strangely have respect if it was both. NC (vo): Finally, the poorly-rendered wheels of storytelling are in motion, as Rick. E gives Nicole his teddy bear. (To a harp glissando, Rick. E takes out his teddy, much to Nicole's surprise) Rick. E: Merry Christmas, Nicole! Nicole: (takes it) Have you lost your mind?! Are you purposely trying to embarrass me?! I can't even exchange this nasty old thing. (leaves Rick. E empty-handed) NC (vo; as Nicole): Which is why I'm still holding on to it. NC: (as Nicole) Anti-sentimental purposes! Rick. E: You might be smart with books, but you sure are stupid. I gave you a real gift, and you don't get it. (He sadly goes home) NC (vo): You know, I'm not gonna lie, I really thought (picture of...) PaRappa the Rapper's origin story would be more interesting than this. (Nicole throws Rick. E's teddy into the dumpster. Smithy follows her) Smithy: Hey, brat! Who do you think you are? Treating people the way you do? NC (vo): Perhaps we should discuss this more on the ruins of Peach's castle from Mario 64. (Cut to Lenee and Nicole observing the latter's Christmas decorations outside of her house) Lenee: Oh, this is so great! I know you like this stuff, Nicole. NC: Any particular reason that girl's hair... NC (vo): ...looks like Chewbacca's butt cheeks? NC: Is this ALL just another Life Day tradition I'm gonna wish I didn't know about?! Lenee: What do you think Santa will bring you this year? (Nicole "belly-laughs", or just moves her torso back and forth) Nicole: You still believe in Santa Claus? (laughs some more) NC (vo; as Nicole, in a robotic tone): We will eat human brains after turning your skin into binary code. Nicole: (approaches her house, still laughing) Santa Claus! (We are shown the inside of Nicole's house) NC (vo): Nicole talks with her mother about what a good kid she's been all year. Nicole: You know I'm the bestest kid in the world, Mommy. Peg (Sherry Weston): I know you are. And I'm the luckiest mom in the world. (Cut to Nicole in her room, standing by the mirror) NC (vo; as Peg): So lucky I'll just dematerialize in the next shot. NC: Hey, if she's been raptured, there's still hope it could happen to the rest of the cast! Nicole: (singing) Look at me... NC (vo): Oh. Yeah. We're almost halfway through the special. Makes sense to have our first song. NC: I know Rick. E's techincally rapping, but that's in the context of the story. NC (vo): It's something he did for fun, and they acknowledged he was doing it. This is an actual full-blown musical number. NC: In that, it fully blows to witness any of it! Nicole: (singing) ''Look, and you'll see / The best kid in the world... ''(Nicole's wallpaper is shown, and it has a pretty bland "red glass ball" pattern) NC (vo): I'm so glad her parents got that wallpaper from FreeDownloadableTextures.org. NC: It's so hideous, even the snow... NC (vo): ...tried backing away from it. (We're shown that at Nicole's window, the snow animation is reversed for one second) ''Yeah, that just happened. '''Nicole:' (singing, still standing by the mirror and moving her body) ''Straight-A student, / Homeworks always on time / Look at me... '''NC:' I hope you're enjoying this... NC (vo): ...amazing choreography... NC: ...because there's over (shows up four fingers) four minutes... NC (vo): ...of it left! That's how long this song is! If you are sick of Let It Go, just remember you could be listening to mashed potato heads from Rapsittie Street Kids! NC: A special where only one kid raps! NC (vo): Oh, and all his raps combined still equal half the time of this one song! Nicole: (singing) Look at me... NC: I really don't want to look at you. (The red blood starts moving on the screen again) NC (vo): Our eyes have bled enough! NC: In fact, (slams the table) I think we all need a break to look at something more pleasant. Something that's gonna hurt our eyes a little less! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look at the sun! (gets up and goes offscreen) ''Ohh, that feels better. ''(We go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown Debbie, Lenee's mother, talking with her daughter at her bedroom) NC (vo): So Pink Cushion Irma (?) is upset about there being no Santa Claus and decides to ask when her dad is getting back with the tree. Lenee: '''When's Daddy coming home? '''Debbie (Andi Matheny): Soon. Right after he picks up his Christmas tree. Come on! It's Christmas. NC: Who the hell buys a tree Christmas Day?! NC (vo): I guess I shouldn't complain. (Debbie sits on the bed) They did finally master the incredible art of sitting down! NC: Though...maybe not. I think they just... NC (vo): ...melted into the ground a little bit. NC: Yeah, knowing the special, that seems very probable. (Rick. E is carrying some letters (and, by carrying, they are literally FLOATING around his hand), when one letter literally files away) NC (vo): Ricky goes to mail some letters when one of them to Santa falls out, which confesses how much the bear he gave to Nicole meant to him. Nicole sees it and starts to read. Nicole: (reading the letter) ''"Even Nicole gave him a special bear that Mommy"... Oh, no, Rick. E! '''NC:' Umm, did Rick. E's pencil not render enough... NC (vo): '''...to keep all the letters on that paper? '''NC: I'm beginning to think this was directed by (''C''lip of one of the ring maze sections in ''Superman 64)'' one of the rings from Superman 64! NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rick. E talks with his great grandmother. Great Grandma (Debra Wilson): (Uh...I have no clue what she said. Don't what language it is, but it's definitely not anything from Earth) (NC is quite taken aback from...whatever just happened) NC: I'm sorry, could you say that again? (Scene plays again, but it's still just inconceivable gibberish coming from Great Grandma) NC: ...We'll come back to that. Well, we move on to the next sentence. Great Grandma: (...I give up) (NC has a very scared smile on his face) NC: (high-pitched voice) Every time a minute of this plays, a Pixar animator (A picture of a hangman's noose is shown) kills himself! (normal) WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?! NC (vo): Am I really seeing this? Every time she talked, it's like hearing a dolphin read from the Necronomicon! This can't be real! Great Grandma: (More weird sounds that sound like chipmunk with a speech impediment) Papa Klump (Eddie Murphy): (from The Nutty Professor (1996)) ''Somebody better call an exorcist! '''NC: '''Oh, wait, wait, wait! I got it! It's backwards speech! If you take the audio and reverse it, you can hear what she's actually saying! So, go ahead, let's try it! '''Great Grandma: '(More balderdash) ''(Text "<